I’ll be blunt, I felt disappointed, unsupported, and quite jealous. Jealous of the new restaurant owner in Chinatown whose entrance was mounded on either side with colorful congratulatory wreaths of red and yellow exotic flowers. “When have I ever been adorned with flowers for changing my career or starting a new venture?” I grumbled to my partner. I was days away from launching my new business and, with the omnipresent anxiety of failure, I was trying my best but fearing the worst. Damn, a little encouraging card tucked into a wreath of flowers would have felt so good: “Best wishes for the success of your new place!”
Soon enough, in that synchronistic way that life inevitably smacks you in the face, that exact topic came up in a session with a client. In a nutshell, my client was experiencing a similar emotional response to starting a business venture. Not necessarily being discouraged, but not being met with enthusiasm or even much of a sense of curiosity from friends and family. No wreaths, no cards. “We might just be walking a parallel path on this one,” I said in full disclosure. “We both wanted support and didn’t receive it in the way we fantasized we would.”
What happens when our fantasy falls short of reality? When we feel slighted we might get angry and talk trash about the person. Or, we might turn the hurt towards ourselves; beating ourselves up for not meeting someone’s expectations, then slinking away to lick our wounds. We might harbor those emotions and wind up distancing ourselves from those people whom we’d hoped would support us. Time to step off that ride to get a look at the whole theme park.
Here are 10 points to consider when we feel like the support and recognition we desire is not matched by the support or recognition we receive:
1. Think of MOM (Mindful Of the Moment): File this one under 'Easier said than done but do it anyway.' Stay mindful of the moment and focused on your mission. That's a lot to ask and it's also a pretty damn effective way to live. By staying mindful and focused, our brain wanders less down the path of the pity party. When you feel bad go ahead and feel it, put words to it, talk through it. Then get back to your work. Avoid ruminating on the subject. When we stay true to ourselves and our mission as a person and a professional, our good work and honest living will take us to positive places. Isn’t that a much better way to spend our time than hovering over a crystal ball trying to predict what people are or aren't thinking about us?
2. Do Ask, Do Tell: If you continue to feel left out or unsupported, talk to the people whose support matters the most. Tell them what you’re experiencing. Then tell them how you feel you need to be supported. In a perfect world people would remember everything important in our lives and respond to us perfectly at all times. Since that isn’t going to happen, know that it’s okay to tell people what you need to hear and how you need to be supported.
3. If You're Going To Play The Assumptions Game, Play It Right: They say we shouldn't assume things. Well, that's great for them, but the rest of us assume things. It's our instinctual way of protecting ourselves from pain and fear. We try to presume the reasons for others’ behavior so we can process it in a way we have control over. But assumptions can get out of hand when they spin into scenarios that aren't based on evidence. So, if you're going to assume, make "balanced assumptions". In other words, if you're going to assume something negative, you must also give airtime to positive assumptions.
Example: My dad didn’t call to congratulate me the first day of my new job. My negative assumption is that he thinks I’m a job-hopper. He must think it was a bad move and I should have stayed with the other company. A more balanced assumption: Maybe Dad doesn’t want to bother me after a stressful first day. He always wants the best for me and maybe he’s just worried I won’t like the new job. Plus, he had a doctor appointment today and I know he was feeling anxious about it. Bottom line: call your folks.
4. Take A Walk In Their Shoes: From time to time we all wonder what so-and-so thinks about us. My friend didn’t 'like' my big announcement on Facebook…OMG she hates me! But isn't it possible that she’s not thinking of you at all because she has her own stuff going on? This, I recognize, is a big blow to the ego. But, let's face it, there are times when we're so caught up in our own lives we just don't realize how we could be unintentionally affecting someone close to us. We just don't realize amidst all our own craziness that our friend is feeling slighted by us. So take a moment to walk in your friend’s shoes. If she’s shown you love and support in the past, it’s quite possible that she’s not being intentionally neglectful now, she’s just preoccupied.
5. Mirror, Mirror: Be a mirror for the behavior you expect from others. Practice offering selfless support and unexpected praise. Not for the sole sake of expecting to receive it in return, but because offering praise and positivity is a good way to live. Live from your core values and your life philosophy at all times, not just the good times.
6. The Plot Thickens: Remember, it’s possible there is more to the story than you know. Enter that classic page-turner, jealousy. When people see you succeed or going for your dream, it's natural that they might compare that big move to their own lives. They might be feeling envious of you and therefore not rushing to gush over your success. But wait, I'm not giving you license to assume everyone around you is jelaous. The bigger point is, there might be other factors going on and the ending of the story is yet to be written. Be patient and don't lose your faith in happy endings.
7. DIY: Do it yourself—praise that is—because you know in your heart you deserve it. You’ve made this big change in your life. It feels like a major accomplishment. So why sabotage your happiness by feeling sorry for yourself? Sure it's nice to hear it from others, but if that isn't coming your away turn it into an opportunity to practice self-love. Maybe you've forgotten to buy yourself flowers recently.
8. Shut That Crap Off! Social media can be a major buzz kill. Beware of that social media trap of comparing yourself to others. You see someone else’s post generating all kinds of likes and comments, yet your post only got one sad little thumbs up. Stop it! Social media is a technology; it is neither a barometer of love nor a genuine source of support.
9. Don’t Sugar Coat It. Let’s be real: There are going to be times when some people simply won’t agree with the changes you're making. There are any number of reasons why that might be, but the reasons won’t matter. Because you know you have to make these changes to better your life and not everybody will understand that. It is unfair to expect everyone around us to grow and change at the same rate we do. Let’s face it, there are times when you haven’t been supportive or gushing about the changes a loved one has made.
10. Wrap It All Up With A Nice Big Bow: It doesn’t matter if what we do doesn’t work out as long as we stay true to who we are and treat others with respect and compassion. Someone is there to support us, whether we see it or not- and we do tend to underestimate the support and love people have for us. So pay attention to the output of your thoughts and the focus of your energy. For better or for worse, the universe always has a way of noticing and responding in kind.
