Q: I’m in my 9th year of marriage and feel sexually frustrated. As a wife, I have no desire whatsoever to be sexually close to my husband. At all levels of our life, I am bitterly disappointed in him. To me he has a poor work ethic, lack of self drive, he’s a poor communicator and is extremely controlling.
Despite this, our two children love him dearly. To avoid arguments, I just let him have sex ( I get in position and he has his sex, I feel nothing) Frankly, I know he hates it, I do too, but I just cant get him to understand that he needs to be their for us as a family. Because of this my body and mind is so turned off from him. Some marriage counselors say just continue to give him sex but I am so tired. I would really like to feel something when my husband is sexual with me but I fee l nothin g. HELP.( We are Christians so divorce is not an option)
A. You certainly feel frustrated in this marriage and it’s showing up in your sex life. That perpetuates a cycle of resentment between you as well. Yet you post something hopeful, saying that your two children love your husband dearly. This point shows that he has some lovable characteristics.
You feel that he is not there for you as a family, because of his poor work ethic and lack of self drive. This challenges your need for security and certainty. It also makes him appear unattractive to you. After all, it’s common for women to be attracted to men for their strength, not perceived lazines, poor communication and controlling tendencies. Basically, he is not presenting something worth making love to, in your mind.
Still, you dont seem to want to give up sex all together (even though it’s terrible right now) you just want to feel something when you make love. Right now, you have what we call a “brain block” because of the pain of your disappointments. You also want to honor God.
Well, none of this will be easy but here we go. It’s clear you’ve been focused on all his bad traits, but here are some possibilities for moving forward:
You 1. Forgive yourself for feeling angry and bitterly disappointed.
As a Christian, the most effective way to do that is with God’s help. You are probably justified in your emotions, but they sure dont feel good. In order to walk in mountain-moving faith we must walk in forgiveness. Start by forgiving your self.
2. Forgive your husband for his laziness and control issues
This one will probably really be impossible without God’s help. It’s difficult to forgive our mate when we feel the need to let them know how wrong they are. Instead, try forgiveness first. Then you can have conversations from a clear heart.
3. Remember the best times, or a time when things went well between you
There was something that initially attracted you to your husband. What was that? Strengthen your awareness of his good qualities. Then remember a season in your life that felt positive. What was different then? In what ways did you act differently then? Think about coming from the best in you towards the best in him again.
4. Talk to him about your concerns
When you can come from a healthier place, you can have another go at communicating verbally. Perhaps when you are doing something non-confrontational like going for a walk, you can say something like,
“You know, I want to feel closer to each other like back when we _______ (fill in the blank from the memories instep 3). However, I find myself so angry. And I don’t mean to do it, but my body literally shuts down in response to feeling so uncertain about our future. Is there something that’s made you lose your motivation?”
Your goal is to truly understand him better.
5. Open up to the idea that making love can take on new meaning and pleasure for you
I know sex can seem utterly revolting when your mate seems like a pig, but what if your love had the power to bring out the best in him? The truth is that you also deserve to feel pleasure and delight. You deserve to feel great in your skin. You were created for intimacy & connection. Once you feel emotionally free of the bitterness, you can also feel sexy and powerful. Research proves that a man’s bonding hormones flood his body when he is having an orgasm. He literally will feel closer to you in response to real sex. Remember it’s about the best in you loving the best in him. It’s there somewhere!
6. Just try it as an experiment
If you act loving or respectful out of curiosity you will not feel like some victim here. Become curious of your husband. Be curious of your own responses to life and love. Become curious in the possibilities of change. When we are curious, we are less likely to take everything personally. We become kinder. And we often find solutions, when we stop focusing on the problems.
If you give yourself a time frame at first, you might be surprised. Tell yourself “Just for 1 week, I’m going to act like I would if my husband was a prince and I was a true princess. I’ll be curious to see how it feels.”
Hopefully then, you will develop new habits of love, forgiveness and assertiveness.
These are not a formula by any means. Every person and relationship has its own dynamics. But it might give you some ideas to start.