Recently I had a question from a reader who is getting married and is worried about his ability to feel satisfied with a monogamous lifestyle.
You might be offended with such a question, but before jumping to a place of judgment, keep this in mind: This honest question holds some keys to also overcoming the addiction of internet porn or anything else. With his permission, here is part of the conversation:
this kind of approach?? will it really lessen my desire for other women?? this is where I’m not sure how EFT can be used, would appreciate your insight very much
L.
Sure. This is a great question, and congrats on finding love that you want to commit to exclusively! I acknowledge you for wanting to be respectful of your mate and your future marriage.
The brain is stimulated by “new.” That’s a fact. Your dopamine levels will not be the same with your solo partner as with multiple partners since that’s what you’ve conditioned yourself to be aroused by.
That’s the bad news.
The good news is that yes, you can choose to celebrate new responses to monogamy. And your brain can be reconditioned to associate your mate with the best arousal and sex.
Just like people tap on cravings for food, you can tap on cravings for female variety. You can end the fear of feeling deprived and choose to be turned on by true intimacy and all the ways to achieve it with your spouse.
I’d recommend getting specific and honest,
“Even though I have all this desire for other women and I’m afraid of missing out, I totally accept myself and all my emotions and I’m open to a new way of being sexually expressive.”
Tune in and tap on things like:
this craving for other women, I release it and let it go
this need for more variety, it’s safe to let it go
feeling deprived…
feeling trapped…
what if I get bored to death?…
what if I get so bored I can’t even perform?…
but I’m a ladies man! …
how can I possibly stay faithful?…
positive choices
What if I love being a husband instead of a ladies man?
What if I feel like I’m growing up and that is sexually powerful?!
what if my whole sexual appetite is changing and its GOOD?
what if being present means sex always feels new?
what if my fantasies can make me closer to my lover?
what if I have the power to create new experiences with my mate?
why do I love it so much with her?
why do I love being exclusive with her?
why am I so happy about our future together?
why do I feel so fulfilled?
Those are some ways I would go. Keep in mind that even with a variety of partners, not every sexual encounter is a 10 on a scale of 1-10. Some times it’s out of this world, sometimes its just “nice,” and sometimes it’s almost as if it wasn’t worth the bother.
HOWEVER, even mediocre sex will flood your brain and body with oxytocin which is the bonding hormone. You’ll feel closer emotionally to her, and your relationship will grow stronger as you focus on pleasing each other. I think you’re in for a surprising treat as you weather the complexities and beauty of a fully committed marriage.
Bless you,
Gina
P.S.
If you don’t know what he means by “tapping,” or “EFT,” it is the technique that deals straight with your nervous system to change your stimulus-response patterns that keep you stuck in anxiety.
It’s the basis of my program the Sexy Marriage Solution as well.
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