Many individuals who would like to make changes to how they think, feel, and behave often wonder why they think, feel, and behave the way they do. Understanding this is often a great starting point, as seeing how previous thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have developed is a good template to help individuals understand their process of change.
Below is one model for understanding how people develop many of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Basic Needs
The Basic Needs are at the foundation because they are important for survival. When you were born into this world you were unable to take care of important basic needs such as food, shelter, and clothing. You relied on other people such as a parent or other caregiver to provide these things. As you continued to develop you were able to evaluate if such basic need resources were either widely available or scarce. If such resources are judged to be scarce, then individuals develop a belief that they must devote their time and energy into gathering and storing such resources. If the availability of such resources is good, an individual develops the belief that these resources will be available and is able to devote personal resources to meeting other needs.
Safety Needs
When you were a child you also relied on parents or caregivers to keep you safe. The extent to which you were safe or unsafe has the potential for long lasting consequences. Ideally, they protected you from serious accidents by watching you and redirecting you away from danger. They kept harmful others away so you would not get hurt or abused in any way. They were a consistent in their presence and could be counted on. If this was your experience then you likely developed TRUST and a belief that people are generally good and safe to be around. You also likely developed the belief that unsafe things are not likely to happen. For others, being safe was not their experience. Many people suffer from traumatic experiences, such as childhood sexual abuse, being exposed to physical violence, life threatening accidents or illnesses, natural disasters, robbery, animal attacks, and a host of other potential harmful things. Others receive inconsistent parenting, feel abandoned following divorce or some other type of parental separation, or have parents struggling with mental illness. Some have these challenges later in life with school aged bullies, bad teenage relationships, or failed adult relationsips. Whether it is from a crisis or challenging parental or other relationships, individuals who experience this type of disruption in the safety needs phase are more likely to develop distrust and view people and/or the world as being unsafe. These individuals often develop the need to focus on safety and much of their individual resources, including attention and behavior, are devoted to keeping them safe and may lead to significant levels of anxiety throughout life.
Relationships
Since our birth we have lived in relationships. Our fist relationships with our parents or caregivers were extremely important as these initial relationships helped us learn to bond and connect with others. There are generally four subcategories of individuals in this stage based on their experience in the safety phase. These include 1) trusting and socially skilled individuals, 2) trusting and socially unskilled, 3) untrusting and socially skilled, and 4) untrusting and socially unskilled.
Trusting and socially skilled. In this subcategory individuals have successfully progression through the basic and safety needs stages. They usually have socially skilled parents or caregivers that have modeled and taught good social skills. When these individuals interact with others they receive feedback about how others either like or don’t like how they are or what they do. Because they trust them and feel good when others tell them what they like about them they make social adjustments to eliminate antisocial traits and continue prosocial interactions. As they continue to make adjustments over time they become more skilled at relationships. As individuals increase the size of their social networks they feel accepted and valued because they get regular feedback about their good qualities. Over time they start to internalize this feedback and progress to the next stage and attain positive self-worth. This highlights the importance of being able to trust and form social bonds. Research has shown that the more individuals a person has in their social network, the better they are able to deal with conflict and traumatic events (Dindinger, 2012).
Trusting and socially unskilled. Individuals in this subcategory also successfully progressed through the basic and safety needs phases, however, they have deficits in social skills. These individuals may have lived sheltered lives without many social opportunities, were raised in a family that lacks social skills, and/or has biological tendencies that interfere with the development of social skills. These individuals are good at being themselves but are more likely to be socially rejected by others. The rejection that they feel is often very painful for them. It is common for such individuals to develop anxiety in social situations and attempt to avoid potential rejection. These individuals often end up with a small social group of individuals that may struggle as they do. Perceived rejection and a lack of social resources may lead to loneliness and depression for these individuals. Because they are trusting (initially) they are more likely to internalize negative comments and struggle at the next phase of development.
Untrusting and socially skilled. Individuals in this subcategory have struggled in one or both of the basic needs or safety phases. They have likely had good social skill role models and many opportunities to act in social environments to build their social skills. They are likely to have shallow relationships as they do not trust others. They are likely to have a fragile sense of self-worth as they do not truly internalize the positive attributes that others see in them. Because these individuals do not trust others, they use their social skills for protection. Many of these individuals put on a MASK of confidence, verbally joust to get the upper hand, and have good manipulation skills to get their way. They are more likely to externalize their failures to the untrustworthy masses.
Others in this subcategory do well in social situations but often chose to be distant and calculated in the social activities they engage in. They are less likely to manipulate others and more likely to be a chameleon that adapts and uses different social MASK to interact successfully while keeping themselves safe. Because they are never truly themselves they struggle to develop worth and may not have a clear sense of who they are. Individuals in this subcategory are more likely to have internal struggles that go unnoticed and turn to external methods such as substance use, or being good at playing the part of some stereotyped persona to be accepted.
Untrusting and socially unskilled. These individuals are usually struggling in many areas of life. Their lack of ability to trust and function in a social world is likely to result in anxiety, depression, and/or conduct problems. They also use a MASK to hide themselves and keep them safe. Their mask likely incorporates avoidance techniques or acts in ways to get others to avoid them. Those that externalize this subcategory may exhibit anger, aggression, and avoidance to keep themselves safe from others. They usually have few friends and can be the fly on the wall or the bully.
Individual Worth
Depending on the relationship category, individuals may develop as sense of self-worth and confidence in themselves. Those that are trusting and socially skilled tend to build the highest levels of self-worth, achievement, and life satisfaction. This category is followed by the trusting and socially unskilled, the untrusting and socially skilled, and the untrusting and socially unskilled. From this we can see the importance of gaining trust in the safety phase. As individuals build self-worth based on their ability to trust the good things others say about them, they see themselves as capable and as likely as anyone to succeed. Individuals with lower levels of self-worth tend to struggle to do well in school, with friends, and in careers. They have poorer emotional regulation skills and fewer satisfactory relationships.
Optimal Progression
As individuals feel confident in their abilities and worth they then have the tools they need to reach their optimal potential. Though many factors such as income levels, access to education, and other resources may impact an individual’s ability to succeed, an individual that has done well at navigating developmental milestones has the best chance at avoiding mental illness and finding life satisfaction, even in less than optimal environments.
The devastating use of MASKs.
As you can see, when individuals do not develop trust at the safety stage they begin to use MASK s. This keeps others from really knowing them and being able to hurt them. Though this may give them the illusion of safety, the result is devastating consequences in the relational and worth stages. When an individual wears a MASK in relationships they fail to internalize the positive attributes that others see in them. They often think "If you only knew me, you would not be saying that". They dismiss important information about themselves that is essential to building positive self-worth. They fail to build close lasting relationships and struggle when others try to get close.
The Psychological Cost
Individuals who struggle with safety concerns that keep them on the alert to protect themselves run the risk of developing an anxiety disorder. Constant worry about perceived threats often leads to avoidance and other behaviors sending the message that the threats can are too big to deal with. This increases the level and intensity of anxiety over time. Also, reducing effectiveness in relationships and potentially reducing the size of important social support resources often results in depression and feelings of hopelessness. When people do not feel supported and are overwhelmed by negative thoughts they begin a negative spiral that often results in clinical depression.
Resolving those factors that prevent growth
Now that you have some idea of what path you are on, the question is would you like to be different, make changes, or alter your current trajectory? Do you wear a MASK that has halted or slowed your progression? Learning the basics about making lasting changes to your thoughts (judgements), feelings, behaviors, and beliefs about yourself and the world may be very helpful in removing a MASK, regaining trust, and learning to be the person you would like to be. Changing the beliefs that allowed the creation of a MASK or other disruptions on your path is an important aspect of not just making changes but keeping those changes.
If making these types of changes is for you, contact a professional who is skilled in this type of therapy and/or stay conected to my facebook page for updates and tips on how to start this transformation.