На информационном ресурсе применяются рекомендательные технологии (информационные технологии предоставления информации на основе сбора, систематизации и анализа сведений, относящихся к предпочтениям пользователей сети "Интернет", находящихся на территории Российской Федерации)

Family Psychology

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The Emotionally Destructive Marriage

It’s rare for me to sit and listen to anything for an hour but I immediately knew this is a topic I need to understand more fully. Emotional abuse is rampant in marriages and yet so few women (or men) know how to tackle it. Leaving is always the safest option when physical abuse is present, but what about emotional abuse? It’s not always so clear cut.

Unfortunately, chronic marriages are especially vulnerable to emotional abuse due to the physical, emotional, and financial dependencies that develop when one spouse is ill. The unpredictability of illness along with stress, fatigue and resentment all set the stage for potential emotional abuse.

If you or someone you love is currently in an emotionally destructive marriage, I urge you to watch the webinar in its entirety. There is hope and there are options. No one need suffer alone.

In the meantime, here are some important points from Leslie’s presentation:

Can’t all marital conflict potentially be labeled emotionally destructive?

No. It’s important to differentiate between the following:

–        A disappointing marriage is when you didn’t get the marriage you thought you’d get. e.g. your spouse doesn’t cook, communicate well or spends too much money.

–        A difficult marriage is when you have a lot of external factors (in-laws, finances, work, illness, special needs, addictions, etc.) that create a lot of stress in the marriage.

–        A destructive marriage is when someone regularly feels dominated, demeaned, degraded, deceived or dismissed. These behaviors are lethal to the personhood and to the integrity and ability of the marriage to thrive.

What constitutes emotional abuse?

–        It’s beyond normal marital conflict.

–        It’s hard to quantify because there’s usually no physical evidence of abuse (no bruises, broken bones, etc.).

–        It’s often dismissed as a marital “tiff” when it’s something more sinister and pervasive.

A marriage is emotionally destructive if there is:

–        Reactive abuse

–        Deceit

–        Indifference

–        Fear

–        Threatening

–        Angry looks

–        Smothering

–        Unfair accusations

–        Belittling

–        Controlling abuse

–        Dependence

–        No voice

–        Demeaning

–        Yelling

–        Sulking

–        Withholding affection

–        Name calling

–        Complaining

The problem of emotionally destructive marriages is widespread.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 women report martial abuse (25%). Most marital abuse goes unreported. Emotional abuse cuts through race, socioeconomic levels, and class. It does not discriminate.

If you’re wondering whether you’re in an emotionally destructive marriage, ponder these two questions:

  1. Do you have a voice?
  2. Can you ________ without paying a price? In other words, is your freedom curtailed?

Emotional abuse is about power and control. And at the heart of controlling behavior is pride.

What about the typical advice to just “try harder”?

The “try harder” advice feeds two lies:

1.  Somehow it’s your responsibility to make him not act this way. If only you could figure it out, you could get him to stop his abusive behavior. This reasoning only exacerbates his entitlement that you’re supposed to work real hard at not upsetting his world.

2.  You are responsible for his outbursts and if you only acted right, he wouldn’t do this. This reasoning just feeds the destructive cycle which gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

Strategies for overcoming an emotionally destructive marriage:

  • If you’ve been the passive recipient of verbal abuse, ask yourself why. Start here and build CORE strength (see below).
  • Start implementing boundaries around the conversations you have with your spouse and look at your style of speaking.
  • Find some support. You can’t allow yourself to be isolated anymore. Take control back of your freedom. Ask other women you trust to speak into your life in a healthy way.
  •  Start building these 4 CORE strengths by claiming the following:

C – I am committed to being honest both internally and externally. I refuse to pretend anymore. I’m not going to lie for my husband, I’m not going to lie about my husband, and I’m not going to lie to myself. I’m going to be honest with what’s going on in my marriage.

O – I’m going to be open to God. I’m going to allow Him to teach me and instruct me. I’m going to start really listening to what God says about what He wants me to do in this situation. I’m also going to be open to the wisdom of others.

R – I’m going to be responsible for myself. And so when my reactions start getting abusive, I’m going to own those. I’m going to apologize. I’m going to make amends and do what I need to do to be the person I want to be. I’m also going to be respectful to my abusive spouse without allowing him to continue to disrespect or degrade me.

E – I’m going to be empathetic and compassionate toward my spouse without enabling him to continue to abuse me. I will allow the consequences to take place but be compassionate to the suffering taking place. That may sound something like this, “I love you too much to allow you to continue to deceive yourself; that what you’re doing isn’t harmful or destructive, not to me, not to our children, not to our marriage, and most of all to you.”

How will you know if/when your spouse is making progress towards stopping the abusive behavior?

When an abusive spouse starts working on himself, he’ll develop humility and the following three things will become evident:

  1. He’ll have more awareness when he becomes harsh or unkind because pride isn’t blinding him as much anymore.
  2. He’ll be open to feedback when you say, “Oh, this behavior reminds me of the old stuff. Stop it” and he’ll be able to see it.
  3. He’s willing to be held accountable.

Has emotional abuse been present in your chronic marriage? If so, how? Please leave a comment.


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