When I tell parents that they need to learn to ignore their children, I am often presented with puzzled faces of concern. "What do you mean ignore them?" is often the reply. I will then explain to them that learning to ignore in a very targeted purposeful way can be a valuable tool to change unwanted behaviors in children/teens.
It is important to recognize that children love attention. Some children find the negative attention they get from "inappropriate" behavior to be just as reinforcing as the attention they get from the good things they do. This is especially true for children that have struggled to gain positive attention in the past or have significant worries about their safety.
For example, when a child feels unsafe they will often elicit attention as a way to keep parents or other important people close. It is less important for them to be rewarded than it is to have important safety people (parents, teachers, other adults) around them to help them feel secure in challenging situations. This is especially true for children and teens that grow up with abandonment issues and are worried that the important people in their life will leave them.
Other children/teens seem to get energized by negative attention. It becomes almost a game to them to see if they can push buttons. These children/teens get highly stimulated by such activity and view it as a reward. The worst thing for these children is to be ignored and not get the stimulation they are seeking.
Whether it is for safety or stimulation reasons, negative attention is a reward for many children and teens. As they get negative attention for a particular negative behavior, the behavior increases in importance and the child is more likely to repeat the behavior in the future.
When your child is consistently doing a behavior that you believe is "inappropriate," it is important to look at how much attention they get for doing that behavior. Often the solution is to ignore the child when they perform the unwanted behavior. Initially the child may increase the behavior as they double their efforts to get attention but in a relatively short time the behavior will reduce. Ideally to be replaced with a behavior that they are getting positive attention for.
When your child is consistently doing a behavior that you believe is "inappropriate," it is important to look at how much attention they get for doing that behavior. Often the solution is to ignore the child when they perform the unwanted behavior. Initially the child may increase the behavior as they double their efforts to get attention but in a relatively short time the behavior will reduce. Ideally to be replaced with a behavior that they are getting positive attention for.
The art of ignoring works best when parents IGNORE.
1. Identify their teens unhelpful behavior.
2. Gain understanding about how the child is being rewarded (often by negative attention) for the unhelpful behavior.
3. Notice how this behavior has grown over time and replaced desired behaviors as the child has been rewarded.
4. Organize a plan to remove the reward/negative attention. This may include organizing multiple family members to ensure the behavior is not rewarded.
5. Recognize the need to reward desired behaviors that could replace the problem behavior.
6. Execute the plan and evaluate the outcome.
It is important that parents are consistent when they ignore. As they plan and ignore a behavior they will recognize that their child will initially increase the frequency of the undesired behavior until they recognize they are not going to be rewarded. They will then seek to replace the behavior with something else that meets their needs for recognition and attention. Regularly supplied positive attention for positive behavior then becomes a good alternative. If a child is not regularly supplied with positive attention/rewarding replacements, they will most likely try another negative attention seeking behavior.
Many parents find that they struggle to come up with ways to recognize their child's positive behaviors. This can be especially true if the child/teen does not give the parent many chances (lack of positive behavior). If this is the case, implementing a token economy or manufacturing other ways to elicit positive behavior becomes important. This is often where a mental health professional can really provide help. A good behavioral therapist can guide you in the creation and implementation of an effective program for your family. Future posts will also address this issue and give parenting tips.
