We girls make this SO much more complicated than it really is. I think that is because we don’t understand our femininity or the power that we have as women in our romantic relationships. When we give them attention, affirmation, affection, admiration and acceptance they are generally VERY motivated to make us happy. (Check out Thomas’ comment on this after you read the post. It is EXCELLENT!)
Now please note, I am not saying your husband WILL say yes to all that you ask for. But when you ask in the right way with a good attitude, he will WANT to say yes to you whenever he can. If he decides something is not best for you or for the family, it is his responsibility before God to say, “No,” “Maybe later,” or “I believe we need to do this instead.” But the way you ask for things makes a HUGE impact on your husband’s decisions.
YOU HAVE SOMETHING HE WANTS MORE THAN ALMOST ANYTHING ELSE IN LIFE!
Most men judge the success of their marriage by the happiness of their wife. So guys are extremely internally motivated to see us be happy. My happiness = he is being a successful husband. When my man sees me light up with delight because of something he did for me – he feels successful, powerful, masculine, and like he is my hero.
WHAT DOESN’T WORK
Unfortunately, most of us have learned to try to get what we want by whining, nagging, complaining, criticizing, trying to control, manipulating, guilt-tripping, acting entitled, blaming someone else for our problems, arguing or steam rolling other people. These are NOT successful tactics for godly ladies to use with men.
Not only do these negative methods NOT work to get us what we want – they turn us into women without dignity, loaded down with guilt, shame and regret. And these negative vibes, attitudes, complaints and words REPEL OUR HUSBANDS.ASKING YOUR HUSBAND FOR THINGS
A few of my personal suggestions about asking your guy for things – while you are respecting him and submitting to his God-given authority (if it is a big request, TRY to ask in person!):
- Make sure your request is reasonable, that you are not asking something that is impossible for him to do.
- Be considerate and thoughtful of your man – don’t ask him to do something you know he hates or that will make him feel humiliated.
- BE SURE HE IS IN A DECENT MOOD – not tired, hungry, really stressed, watching his favorite sports game or sick! Timing is IMPORTANT!
- SMILE AND LOOK HIM IN THE EYE.
- BE BRIEF. (1-3 sentences or so)
- ASK ONCE.
- USE A PLEASANT, FRIENDLY, HAPPY, SWEET TONE OF VOICE.
- TOUCH HIS HAND, ARM, KNEE, OR SHOULDER OR GIVE HIM A HUG AS YOU ASK.
- SMILE AND HOLD HIS GAZE FOR A FEW SECONDS AFTER YOU ASK.
- DON’T EXPECT AN ANSWER RIGHT AWAY.
- SOMETIMES IT IS EVEN GOOD TO COME IN AND ASK VERY CASUALLY AND THEN GO ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN ANOTHER ROOM AND LEAVE HIM WITH THE THOUGHT OF YOUR BRILLIANT SMILE AND YOUR SWEET REQUEST – with NO pressure.
- BE CONTENT WITH THE OUTCOME NO MATTER WHAT HE DECIDES OR WHEN. Don’t tie your love for him to his answer! THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT! If you ACTUALLY DO care more about getting what you want than about your relationship with him – then you have a BIG PROBLEM and it’s time to do some really serious praying.
If he was looking at you, he heard you. He will think about your request and it might take him some time to decide what to do. If you just sweep into the room, sweetly ask for something in a nonchalant manner, then go do something else pleasantly – it can help him feel less pressure to make a quick decision. I would especially recommend this technique if your husband tends to be quiet and takes awhile to know his own mind. If your guy usually answers quickly, this may not be necessary. (Each man has his own unique needs – so we all have to be students of our particular husbands!)
If you sit there staring at him, waiting for his answer, sighing, tapping your fingers with impatience, THAT will get on his nerves and make him feel pressured. Then you are unlikely to receive what you desire.
GIVE HIM TIME
He needs time to process things, especially if it is emotional, it might take days or weeks. That’s ok! He will be thinking about your desire. This is good practice for learning to wait patiently on God and on your man. You’ll need this skill OFTEN in marriage!
Just like God says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 – if you are delighting in your husband, admiring and trusting your guy – he will want to give you the desires of your heart as well – unless he truly believes what you are asking for is not what is best for you or he is not able to give that thing to you at this time. And he MUST have the freedom to say no if he really thinks something is not best. God may be speaking through him and his answer (God has put your husband as the spiritual authority in the marriage) – so fighting against his decision may put you fighting against God’s will! Please be accepting of your man’s answers and trust that this is God’s answer for you (unless he is asking you to sin or condone sin.) God will lead you through your husband when you trust Him!
For girls, it doesn’t make sense to us to only ask once. We think that if he doesn’t mention something for a week or more, he has clearly completely forgotten and doesn’t love us or care about us. NOT TRUE, my dear girl! Guys are VERY different from girls! He IS thinking about what you want. He WANTS to give you what you want if you are treating him well. If you repeat your request multiple times or start to pressure him, he will begin to feel nagged, smothered and forced and he will start to resist you just because of your methods and your lack of understanding about how his mind works.
If your husband is super busy and he really does forget – ask him how he would like you to handle times like that when you need an answer from him and haven’t heard back from him – and then go with his answer about that!
SOME GREAT WAYS TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT OR NEED
I’m going to write out some random examples as templates for you to use. (Laura Doyle has a great section on this in “The Surrendered Wife.”) Some keys are to use simple, positive, brief phrases about how you feel and what you want. You can modify things or change up the words, but what I hope to do is to give you some concrete examples so that you can see a godly feminine spirit at work and begin to emulate that:
- (walk into the room where he is – if he is not concentrating on something important – rub his shoulders, smile and say) “Hey, Sweetie! I just found out that my favorite singer is going to be in concert in town on June 12th! I want to go!” (smile, then go about your business of getting ready or cleaning up the dishes or whatever.)
- “I feel so sad that you might take that job out of state. I am happy for you to have this opportunity. But I REALLY want to live here. (And that might be all you need to say to get him thinking about what he can do. The choices are up to him. You told him your feelings in a way that lets him know your heart but also lets him be the hero. And you are NOT making him a villain or telling him he’s wrong. Give him time to decide what he wants to do and work things out behind the scenes before he tells you one way or the other.)
- “It’s such a glorious day! I want to go for a walk with you!”
- “Hey, Baby! My car needs some repairs. Would you please pick me up on Friday and take me to work?”
- “My office is having a Christmas party next Saturday. I’d love for you to take me!”
- “This couch is too heavy for me to move. Would you please help me?”
- “I want some beautiful flowers for the front yard sometime.”
- “Would you please take the trash out for me sometime today? Thanks!”
- “I’m feeling lonely. Would you please hold me for a few minutes?” (You don’t have to walk away for that one! But if he seems disinterested or busy, you may want to quietly, respectfully slip to another room – but NOT in a pouty way!) – OR, you can just go stand by him and lay your head on his shoulder and not say anything until he asks you what’s wrong. Then you can say, “I want to be with you.” “I am lonely.” “I want to feel you close to me right now.” (Bob Grant)
- “I miss you!!! I want to spend some time with you soon!”
- “I’m feeling sad. Would you please listen to me talk for 10 minutes? I know that would help me feel so much better.”
- “I’m feeling really hormonal. Would you please hug me and help me see things from your wise perspective?”
- “I’m feeling confused about X. I want to hear your advice and wisdom about this. I admire you so much.”
- “I want to do something together one night this week.”
- “I want to take a vacation to the beach this summer!”
- “I feel scared about X.”
- “I feel angry about Y.”
- “I want another baby.” (You are telling him your pure desire, and not saying when or how or demanding that he do certain things about it.)
- “I want to home school the children.”
- “I want to cook a delicious supper for you tonight. What time works for you.” (ie: if he doesn’t tend to come home at a regular time, but you’d like to eat with him or eat together as a family)
- “I want to have a night out with my girlfriend for coffee and dessert this week.”
- “I am feeling really stressed right now. I can’t do everything I am trying to do. Will you help me see what I could cut out? I need your wisdom and perspective. I want your help.”
WHAT IF HE SAYS “NO”
If he does say “No” – be gracious about it. If you handle your disappointment with maturity, he might even change his mind later – you don’t even have to ask again! Your calm, peaceful response may be enough to get him to change his mind. But he needs to see that you can accept his wisdom when you don’t agree. That shows him you trust and respect him and that gives him greater confidence to lead. It also makes him REALLY feel the weight of the responsibility of leadership on his shoulders and will help drive him to his knees to pray for God’s wisdom so that he does make the best decisions.
It’s really important that even if he turns down your request, you don’t punish him, sulk, pout, cry, whine, argue or try to make him do what you want. If you resort to these methods, you are practically guaranteeing he will NOT do what you want! Negativity DOES NOT WORK! Guys REALLY, REALLY hate being told what to do or being coerced. And not only that – you will destroy intimacy and relationship. NOT GOOD!
Try to let his “no” answer not be a big deal. Take it as the sovereignty of God at work in your life. If he tells you no, say something like
- “Ok. Thank you.”
- “Ok. That makes me feel sad, but I respect your decision. Thanks for looking out for me.”
- “I appreciate your leadership, and I will trust that you’ll do what is best for us.”
- “Thanks for thinking about it and doing what you think is best. I trust you.”
WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT?
If it is a big request, he may need days or weeks to think about it. Just let it sit. Pray about it. Ask God for His will. Trust that God is big enough to handle this without you losing dignity over this issue or without you trying to take control to force your way. Your obedience to God and your relationship with Your husband are MUCH MORE important than the outcome of an individual decision – even if your husband makes a “mistake.” God is completely capable of using even what seem to be mistakes to guide us to where He wants us to go. The key is that we have to trust Him even when things don’t look like what we think we want. This is practice for developing a beautiful feminine “gentle and peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear” that is so beautiful to God and to our guys! Trust that God is doing what is best for you, even when it is not what you want to hear at the time. He probably has something MUCH better in store than you can imagine!
YOUR HUSBAND WILL NOTICE when you leave things up to him and trust him and he will feel compelled to try even harder to make you happy. HE LOVES TO SEE YOUR BEAUTIFUL SMILE!
IF HE DOES SAY “YES”
Thank him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your husband needs ALL of your emotions and he needs to know what you want and need. When you tell him how you are feeling (but not complaining or arguing), he is able to make the best decisions, become your hero and learn how to best meet your needs and please you! Then you BOTH become more and more like the people God wants you to be!
Each husband is unique – be a student of what works best for him and what is most respectful to him. God will then use you to help bring out the best in your man!
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