Relationships require attention and care -- those that face continuous neglect or foundation-breaking breaches of trust are at risk of ruin, but you may be able to repair them with intense and deliberate effort. There is no clearly defined process for reunification, according to Laura Davis in her book, "I Thought We'd Never Speak Again: The Road from Estrangement to Reconciliation." There are, however, steps you can take to help facilitate the process.
Take Your Time
Expect the restoration of your relationship to take time. While there is no specific script or process to it, respect and honor the journey itself. It is in this process that you and your children gain the life experience to recover. Pressuring them to reconnect is counterproductive, whether they are in elementary school or their 40s. Instead, you can gently reach out with a phone call, letter or birthday card and follow their leads in terms of ongoing contact.
Establish Identity and Ground Rules
Prior to delving into the work of restoring your relationships with your children, Davis suggests that you evaluate your own identity. This can take the form of a self-inventory -- remind yourself of your basic values and beliefs, your likes and dislikes and your personal boundaries. This will help you maintain autonomy while working with your children at setting mutual ground rules. Such guidelines can act as a reference point during the process of rebuilding trust and security.
Take Responsibility
Be prepared to hear about your transgressions. You and your child will need to work through a multitude of issues, and in doing so your child will likely confront you with the real or perceived ways in which you failed as a parent. Listen openly to what they say, without justifying or minimizing your actions. Verbally apologize for specific mistakes you've made, acknowledge the ways in which they've impacted your children and how you plan to do things differently in the future.
Expect Apologies
Prepare for an apology from your children if any of their actions or behaviors contributed to the estrangement. Know that if you receive an apology, it may not be sincere, and it is your decision to accept or reject it. It is reasonable to expect others to take responsibility for their actions, and reconciling with your kids without this happening may feel harmful to your sense of self-worth. Conversely, it is reasonable to be unwilling to risk reconciliation with your children by enforcing this particular demand.
