When learning to work with children it is important to understand how natural brain development impacts a child's ability to learn and control their impulses. As children progress in age their brain is still developing. The process of development can be crudely described as a back to front process. Many parents notice that as their child grows new learning comes gradually and not before its time. For example, things like speech and walking will not occur until there is enough development in the language and coordination (motor) centers of the brain. children tend to take their first steps around one Start speaking two word utterances by two and then really start to speak much better after three. The same is true for learning and impulse control.
As a child grows the brains reward system matures much faster than the reasoning (Prefrontal cortex/executive functioning) part of the brain. Another way to say this is that a child's desire to obtain what they want (I want it now) is much stronger than their ability to think about the cost/benefits to obtain what they want (maybe I shouldn't). This discrepancy is greatest when a child is young and gradually improves until their brain reaches the end of its back to front development in the early to mid twenties. Pre teens/tweens (ages 11-13) are especially vulnerable as their reward systems are full developed, they are beginning to start major hormonal changes, and their ability to control their impulses are still underdeveloped. Because of these challenges, it is particularly important that parents, teachers and other adults create boundaries and limits to keep a developing child safe. In a sense a supportive adult acts as a crutch to the child's reasoning part of their brain until the child is able to pick up the load. This capacity increases through the teenage years and parents will go through the challenging task of guessing how much decision making their teen is ready for.
When it comes to learning and impulse control. It is important to have the right strategies for the right stage of brain development. For example, spending a great deal of time reasoning with a younger child is probably less effective than providing limits and rewards to shape behavior and learning. Expecting a child to curb their natural impulses to get rewards by using the reasoning part of their brain is like giving a just say no pamphlet to a drug addict. Young children respond well to praise, stickers, recognition, attention, and other things that activate their reward system. They also tend to respond to intervention that delay rewards. A child who develops in a structured environment where praise, recognition, and attention is given for following rules, routines, and other expectations and such rewards as free time with friends, access to electronics, and other sources of reward center stimulation is withheld until responsibilities are completed will almost always succeed. This type of environment utilizes the more highly developed reward system to facilitate learning that the reasoning part of the brain is not yet ready for.
It is common for parents to arrive at my practice with their out of control child or teen. They do not understand why their child is so oppositional when they have gone out of their way to make sure their child has all that they need. When I ask them about what they provide I get a list of things such as IPods, soccer, dance, cell phones, Xbox and/or other gaming systems, make up, clothes, money for activities with friends, and the list goes on. I then ask them what the child is required to do to access these activities. This is when I often see blank looks of confusion. It is also common that when I suggest that a child/teen should earn such rewards the parent responds "Oh, I do not think that will work" or "I can't just take their stuff." This is when the parent training process begins.
| A basic principle of rewards is that whatever behavior precedes a reward is more likely to be repeated in the future. For example, a parent who praises their child or teen for good manners and grants access to privileges for completion of daily responsibilities is likely to have a child/teen who is well mannered and responsible. Also as example, a parent who ignores disrespectful behavior and allows their child/teen to self-reward with video games and phone access following this or other behavior like not completing daily responsibilities, is likely to have a child/teen who does not live up to expectations and shows greater disrespect for them over time. Targeted use of rewards to shape learning can be very powerful tool to support the developing child but unchecked rewards can be equally as powerful as they can instill negative attributes and behaviors over time. |
"But I don't want to bribe my child"
One of the great things about rewards is that whatever is paired with a reward becomes important to a child. They feel good about it and see it as an important resource. As parents provide rewards to their children eventually the child feels good about listening to their parent and it makes them feel good. The day comes when their child/teen becomes addicted to good behavior because of the way it makes them feel. They see value in their parents and respect the structure that has been provided. One of the best results is that you have taught your child valuable parenting lessons that will be passed down to their children.
There are many types of ways to reward your child. Many parents have found that little treats are great for getting younger children to learn. Though this works well, I often discourage giving out sweets every time a child succeeds. The solution is to create a simple token economy where a child gets praise and rewards on the way to the sweet. To the right is one example of a punch card token economy. The child gets a punch in a square when they follow directions the first time. It takes 20 times of following directions before they get their sweet, 10 minutes of video game time, play a game with dad, etc. This reduces the cost and extra calories of always providing a direct reward. The punch card works just as effective because the child knows that it leads to the reward. To maximize the effectiveness of the punch cards I encourage parents to not use more than three cards (each with a different goal) at the same time. I also encourage practicing and very frequent use of the card in the beginning to make sure the card = reward for the child. In the beginning practicing the card can be a game as you ask the child to do silly things to get punches in their cards. Each time it is punched the child should receive praise as well.
